Dreaming of a Weird Christmas
by JoeMerl
Summary: Eating too much Christmas candy before bed may be the cause of some unusual dreams. Oh, wait, is Cody SINGING now? Scratch that, Gwen thought, this is a NIGHTMARE. Crackfic, one-sided Cody/Gwen.


**Author's Notes: **And now for my annual _Total Drama _Christmas fic! Which I wanted to get up before Christmas, but I was pressed for time and, when I thought about it, somehow setting it post-Christmas made the story seem even better. Now I'm...not entirely sure where this idea came from, to be honest, but I got it last year and I've been saving it for now, so yeah, I thought I might as well write it no matter _how_ little sense it makes. Hope you enjoy!

* * *

All in all, it had been a pretty good Christmas for Gwen.

She and her brother had gotten up insanely early, as per tradition, and spent several anxious hours waiting for their mom to wake up while guessing what the various packages under the tree could be. Granted, they had had to endure the usual "Santa" routine that both siblings insisted they were too old for, but Gwen got all the CDs, books and art supplies she had asked for _and_ an inordinate amount of chocolate to gorge on. Afterwards the three had a big family meal together before Gwen and her brother spent the evening mocking the last few Christmas specials of the season while eating an inordinate amount of chocolate all over again. (Hey, it's the holidays, don't judge.)

Gwen allowed a small smile as she laid down in bed that night, utterly exhausted but content. "Merry Christmas, world," she mumbled, her words turning into a long yawn as she spoke. She snuggled into her pillow and closed her eyes, content in her warm, soft bed with the familiar sights of her bedroom around her.

When she opened her eyes a moment later, however, she was cold, sitting on something hard and the first thing that met her eyes was the sight of two horses' butts.

Gwen jumped in her seat, eyes going wide as she took in her surroundings---she felt herself moving and suddenly saw that she was sitting on some kind of carriage bumping down a path, and as she spun around she found not the usual dark walls and posters she was expecting but a picturesque cobblestone street with sparkling white snow lying neatly on either side. Nearby the snowy trees were laden with white and multicolored Christmas lights, and in the distance an entire forest of them lay quiet under the sparkling starlight and a beauteous silver moon.

Gwen gaped. "What the _hell...?_"

She heard a soft voice humming indistinctly beside her; she jumped again and spun around, onto to find a familiar bucked-tooth boy sitting next to her in the carriage, singing softly under his breath. Gwen gaped even more.

"...Cody?"

"Oh, hey Gwen!" he said, cutting off his song and smiling brightly as if he had just noticed she was there. "What's up?"

"What's u---where the hell are we?!" Gwen started, looking around wildly over the side of the carriage, shivering violently; she looked down and realized she was still wearing the woefully-scant nightgown she had changed into before bed, albeit under a large winter coat that's presence she could not explain. Cody, for his part, was dressed in yellow pajamas with a thick jacket of his own, plus earmuffs that added to his naturally comical look.

"Huh? Oh, no idea," Cody said, shrugging. "Sure is nice though, isn't it? Wish I'd worn socks to bed, though..." he muttered, looking down at the carriage floor and wriggling his bare toes. He grinned again as he looked back up. "So, how ya been lately?"

"How have I---how the hell did I get here?!" Gwen screamed, throwing out her arms to encompass the scene and almost whacking Cody on the head in the process. "Where are we?! And what are _you_ doing here?!"

"I dunno," Cody said, shrugging again. "I just went to bed last night and woke up here. I really don't see the problem, though. Hey, want some cocoa?" he asked, holding out a steaming mug.

"Do I want---where did you get _cocoa?!_" Gwen screamed, utterly exasperated.

"Good question. I don't know that, either," Cody admitting, frowning at the mug in confusion. "Hmm...so, do you want it?"

"_No!_"

"Cool." He leaned back and took a deep sip, then sighed, grinning at her with a chocolate mustache over his lip. "_Mmm._ Creamy, like when you have marshmallows in it but you let them melt before you start drinking. Do you ever do that? I like to do that but nobody else I've met seems to---"

"_Shut up!_"

Cody frowned. "Hey, what's the matter?" he asked, reaching out to put an arm around her shoulder. Gwen stiffened and shrugging him away, glaring.

"What's the matter?! I don't know what the hell is going on here! Is this a dream or something?!"

"I dunno. Probably," Cody said thoughtfully as he took another sip of his cocoa. "I mean, the last thing I remember is going to bed, so I _guess_ this could be a dream. Or part of some sort of weird alien abduction."

Gwen turned and gave him the most bitingly-sarcastic look she possibly could with her teeth chattering in her mouth. "Cody, why would aliens abduct us and then drop us in a horse-drawn carriage somewhere?"

"Based on the usual sci-fi formula? Probably to make us mate for some reason." Cody looked thoughtful for a moment before slowly starting to grin.

Gwen facepalmed. "Oh, this had better be a dream," she grumbled.

"Dream---dream---_dreeeaaamming of a whiiiite Chriiistmaaas/Just like the ooones I uuused to knooow---_"

Gwen dropped her hand and gaped again. "Cody, what the hell are you doing?"

"Huh? Oh, I dunno. Christmastime always makes me feel like singing!" Cody said, grinning his silly bucktoothed grin. He threw back his head again. "_Where the treee-tooops glisten/And chiiild-reeen listen---_"

"_Ugh,_ stuck with a caroler? Never mind, this isn't a dream, it's a _nightmare._"

"Hey, lighten up!" Cody sounded slightly hurt, but gave her a playful shove on the shoulder that made her want to strangle him even more. "I mean, come on, isn't this _romantic?_" he asked, wriggling his eyebrows at her. "It's practically like we're _in_ a Christmas carol. _Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells,/Jingle all the way!/Oh what fun it is to ride/in a one-horse open sleigh, hey!_"

"We have two horses!" Gwen snapped.

"Well, yeah, if you want to _quibble..._"

"_Grr..._"

"Ah, come on, Gwen! How can you be so grumpy when we're _walkin' through a winter wonderland---_"

"_Ugh, _stop!" Gwen cried, putting her hands in front of her ears. "Why did I eat all that candy before bed, is that _supposed_ to give you nightmares?!"

"Come on, Gwen, sing with me! _A beautiful sight,/We're happy tonight,/Walkin' through a winter wonderland!_"

"Hey, you! Horses!" Gwen called desperately, leaning forward in her seat. "Yeah, you! Stop! No, seriously, stop this ride, I want to get off!"

One of the horses turned around and gave her a deadpanned stare, then snorted and turned back around, trotting side-by-side with its companion.

"Ooh, look, a snowman!" Cody said, pointing as they passed one close to the road. Rather ridiculously, its twig arm was positioned to make it look like it was tipping its hat to them. "Oh, _in the meadow we can build a snowman---_"

"Agh, stop it, Cody!"

"_And pretend that he is Parson Brown---_"

"Cody, you better not keep singing that line!"

"_He'll say 'Are you married?,' we'll say 'No man'---_"

"_AGH!_" Gwen banged the back of her head against her seat and looked over the edge of the carriage, wondering if she should just jump off. "Would you please _stop it already?!_"

"Not until I find a way to cheer you up!" Cody stuck out his tongue out at her playfully; a snowflake falling from the sky drifted down to land perfectly on its tip, making him giggle. Gwen's body began to shake even harder, this time not from the cold. "Now come on, are you honestly telling me you're not enjoying this?

"I don't even know what 'this' is! For all I know you drugged and kidnapped me---and if so, I would like some more drugs, NOW."

"Oh, Gwen! Come on---just _have a holly-jolly Christmas,/It's the best time of the year---_"

"Damn it, I think I just figured out why there are so many _suicides_ this time of year!" Gwen closed her eyes as the carriage moved through a copse of trees growing close enough together that their branches formed a roof over their path; Cody looked up at them, and then smirked as something peculiar caught his eye.

"_Oh, ho, the mis-tle-toe,/Hung where you can see---_"

"Wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up---" Gwen chanted, trying to force herself out of this nightmare.

"_Some-body waits for you/Kiss her once for me!_"

"Cody, would you just---"

She turned toward him, and suddenly Cody took the sides of her face and pulled her to him, planting a kiss on her lips just as their carriage passed under a sprig of mistletoe hanging from the branches above them. (Why one specific sprig would be planted there is best asked after one wonders why all the trees would be covered in Christmas lights in the first place.) Gwen stiffened in shock as she felt Cody's lips against hers (detecting the slight taste of hot chocolate still on them), then gaped at him for a moment as he drew back, smiling and winking.

"...Okay, that's it," Gwen muttered, as Cody leaned back to sing again.

"_Oh have a holly-jolly---_"

**POW!**

Gwen's eyes shot open, taking in the familiar sight of her own dark bedroom, a pile of Christmas presents dominating the chair by her desk. Without even sitting up Gwen lay there for a moment, not breathing, as if anxiously awaiting the sound of hooves or an annoyingly off-key tune. She glanced at her alarm clock: 12:01, one mere minute after the holiday's completion.

Gwen released the breath she had been unconsciously holding. "...Well _that_ was a weird dream," she muttered, then rolled over and went back to sleep.

Meanwhile, about a hundred miles away in another province, Cody's eyes suddenly shot open as he sat up in bed, rubbing his eyes to take in the familiar sight of _his_ own bedroom, a separate and larger set of Christmas presents piled in one corner. He remained frozen in bed for a moment, then felt his lips curve into a silly little grin.

"Well _that_ was a cool dream!" he exclaimed, licking lips that still seemed to tingle and tasted faintly of cocoa. Then he suddenly frowned, rubbing his jaw. "Huh." He grabbed a half-full glass of water from his bedside and held it up, trying to make out his reflection in the dim moonlight. "Oh man...is that a _bruise?_"

* * *

**A/N:** ...Yeah, I don't know either. *shrug* But it's silly and sweet so I like it. I wound up writing this all in a rush, though, so I hope it turned out alright. So happy holidays, all, and as it's the season for giving, please leave me some reviews! :-D

P.S.: I'm not sure if I like this title...my other main idea was "The Nightmare After Christmas." XD


End file.
